Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..