Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by