Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Bring back the McRib

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

a lot to unpack here

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.