Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?