Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
With a text.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.