Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.