Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.