Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out