Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
You Might Also Like
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
feetloaf
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.