Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.