Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Most Common Source of Electricity
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews