Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!