Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
