Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
🙁
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
🤣😂
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
