Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
for all #parents out there
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
