Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
You Might Also Like
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…