Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
next question.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
