dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You Might Also Like
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*