dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
August 8
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Don’t we all.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.