Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Called it

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

My patronus is a cheeseburger

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.