Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
You Might Also Like
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Danger is very dangerous
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
that lip filler tho
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident
narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd