Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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The asteroid..
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.