Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.