Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
never compromise your values
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it