Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.