Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Classic German Shepherd 😂

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

#SCOTUS one-star review

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.