Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!