Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

Yes, but it was never about money

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.