Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

When you don’t understand how floors work

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me