Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
is this meant to deter me
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him