Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.