Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Mad Max Arctic Road

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.