Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You Might Also Like
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*