Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.