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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
just left a huge legacy in there
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂