Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.