Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged