Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

The struggle is real.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!