Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
craving $300 all of a sudden
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.