Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it