Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Good morning
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
No.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.