Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Are these grass-fed oranges?

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.