Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Pretty much! 😂👀

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.