Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal