Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year