Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Marvel: “Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.