Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying