Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
New skill unlocked
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.