Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Spotted in the wild
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me checking my bank balance online.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.