Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

#gardening

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

My time has come.

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems