Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.