Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me as a therapist: omg same
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Weighing up my bread heating options
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.