Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
You Might Also Like
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I don’t make the rules sorry
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: