@T_Bonezzz_

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

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Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

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I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

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[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@SequelsWeWant

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum