@Miniwheats2012
Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!
*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.
@T_Bonezzz_
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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@Miniwheats2012
@eff_yeah_steph
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
@tesselatrix
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
@Stellacopter
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
@DudeImShawn
Live today like it’s your last.
Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.
@captainkalvis
executioner: any last words
me: yes, I wish murder was legal
my genie: [appears] your wish is my command
executioner: you’re free to go
me: [getting up] haha hell yes
executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot
@AngryRaccoon2
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
@MavenofHonor
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
@ceejoyner
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
@Bookbunny6
Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Him: What?
Me *smirks*: What?