Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@CaseyMichelle__

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

@thedayofthedot

It’s not really murder if you’re already dead to me.

@MableGertrude

I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

@SCbchbum

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@SequelsWeWant

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum