Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!
*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
The rest of the human race
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Live today like it’s your last.
Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.
executioner: any last words
me: yes, I wish murder was legal
my genie: [appears] your wish is my command
executioner: you’re free to go
me: [getting up] haha hell yes
executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?