Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

The rest of the human race

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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.


Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here


I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.


The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.


[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”


Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.


Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.



Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum