Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

accurate

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!