Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

*Inspirational Tweets*

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.