Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

is this a warning or an offer?

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it