Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.