Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know