Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.