Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”