Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Breaking news:

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.