Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
