Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda