Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

set yourself free xox

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?