Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

At Walmart during the holidays like..

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

you could not pay me to delete this app

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.