Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Personal question. #JustSaying
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.