Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
it was a valiant fight
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her