Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
This meal prepping shit easy
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”