Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.