Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*