Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”