Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase