Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
HR said no more nunchucks.
#Caturday
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.