Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin